I am a living breathing solution to human problems!

I am just amazed by God’s love. Coming from where I was and where I am now…. God has taken a broken vessel and transformed it to a vessel that he uses to do his work. I do it joyfully.  I love seeing the families come to the outreaches and getting to make those memories.  They have the opportunity to see their children go to an altar call and receive Jesus into their hearts at our recent Easter outreach. It’s SUCH a beautiful sight. I woke up incredibly grateful the morning after. I was in an outreach high!

Whether it be a large outreach or an outreach to a single person you are an instrument in God’s Kingdom.  He places all of us strategically.  In addition to the book I mentioned in my previous post I am also reading “Unstoppable” by Christine Caine. She really breaks it down saying that we are in this relay race and we have to be perfectly positioned and ready to grab the baton for our leg of the race. We are a piece of that race that is headed for the finish line.   It really made me think of my life and who was racing for me. Had that woman not invite us to church as I rode my bike though the neighborhood, I never would have went to chuch.  Had my seventh grade friend not brought me to a youth revival week, I wouldn’t have ever gotten saved. Had I not joined a sorority (of all things) to have a sister invite me to what is now my home church.  Each of these people poised at the right time, ready and willing,  helped assist me to where I am today. If you asked them, they probably thought their efforts were small but for me they are monumental. They literally saved my life! They were the solution to my problem! I needed God in my life and they helped orchestrate me on my path today. Now I can do kingdom work! Now I can help be a solution!

First Book

"Wounded Heart " by Dr. Dan B. Allen

Today I was blessed with this book. I have done some research via the web, and read some books that had sexual abuse as a topic, but this would be my first book that focuses directly on the subject. I am excited but nervous to read this book.  We’ll see how it goes.

Although this abuse happened in my childhood,  I thought I was “freed” from any other after effects of the abuse. I wasn’t going to let it get me down or negatively effect my life. When I was in ninth grade I had a full breakdown to God at church camp. I cried and sobbed my heart out to him because of the pain that was so deep and that had hardened my heart. I gave it to God to deal with.  I knew it was not my burden to bear any longer.  I still kept silent about my abuse. I was scared that my father would literally kill this person.  I truly believed I would die with this secret. I didn’t want to burden my family with my drama. Obviously this is a lie I believed directly from the enemy.

The secret I held was hidden for quite some time. I had revealed it to a small number of people at that was it.  The hardest person I had to reveal it to was my husband. It is an uncomfortable feeling to tell your husband that his wife had been violated,  let alone as a young child. The last thing I wanted was to have happen was to have this abuse effect my husband and he wasn’t the victim.  I didn’t want him to bear any of my pain. 

I thank God for giving me the husband he did. He loves me with all of my flaws, even the ones that I had no control over. He is patient,  he is kind, he comforts me in bad times.

God has really been working in me with my healing.  Each new step builds upon the previous step of healing work. I finally had reached the point of “outing” my secret to my family this past year.  I made this decision based off of wanting to have open communication with my children and educating them about sexual abuse. I wanted them to understand my story (when old enough) but I thought it would not be best for my family to hear from my children one day what had happened to me.  God had built my strength up and I finally let it out.

I cannot tell you how much was lifted off of my shoulders.  It was so freeing to no feel shameful about speaking about it anymore.  This secret I was holding onto was poisonous.  It was a deep rotten poison that effected me in ways I didn’t realize.  By holding onto it I gave it the power. It no longer has power over me. It is not looming over my head. It cannot control me. I am still in my healing process but I am in control of healing.  I have my moments that are tough, these are hard trust me. I can easily fall into a depressive dark zone but God has given me strength. When I feel these moments come on that’s where I have to really lean on God to give me strength. To bear my wieght. To lift my spirit.  I pray, I read, I repeat scriptures.  I have to guard myself from being defeated. It’s not easy but I have faith that he will continue to do work in me. This is part of my struggle which is part of my story and that’s okay as long as I know it might help someone else.

Know Who YOU Are

It is SO late right now, but I feel the need to share. I came across a post on Facebook from Kimberly Henderson.  A beautiful single mother to four beautiful children.  She shared her testimony of how her youngest and how she sat faced with the difficult decision of continuing her pregnancy. She has a song called “Tiny Hearts” and the lyrics are as follows:

Sometimes I feel like my whole world is crashing down

While all my friends are being young and dumb and playing around

They’re out all night living a life that I just had to let go

I watch you sleep right next to me

It’s you and me on our own

Sometimes I feel there’s a world out there I’ll never know

But I know who I am

Yeah I know who I am

Tiny hearts are in my hands

Yeah I know who I am

Yeah I know who I am

Now I was scared to take a road that I did not understand

And all through time I considered making other plans

Now I believe all of the things we choose are for a reason

And the life I thought I missed I know they’ll soon be leaving

And when the lights go out I know I know a kiss be meaning

‘Cause I know who I am

Yeak I know who I am

Tiny hearts are in my hands

I know who I am

Oooooooooooooh

I wouldn’t change a thing if I could go back

Oooooooooooooh

Not missing anything

I wouldn’t go back

‘Cause I know who I am

Yeah I know who I am

Yeah I know who I am

Yeah I know who I am

Tiny hearts are in my hands

I know who I am

‘Cause I know who I am

Tiny Hearts Music Video

This song touched my heart. I feel like she was me.  Prior to “A” being born I was living the “life”. I was young, single and had the world ahead of me. I was out on my own in college meeting new people and seeing new places. I joined a sorority and my social life was busy. Although pregnant,  I continued to go out to some events until I began to show. I didn’t want to quite let go of my social life. I had one last hurrah trip to a spring break destination and slowed down.  I lived with my sorority sisters through my pregnancy and I watched them continue with my now previous lifestyle.  I was usually home alone, so this did become kind of lonely but it was also time I embraced my belly. Snuggling it and feeling him move and grow with in. We shared many intimate moments getting to know each other. No one would ever have these moments but me and him. However, I was sad that I did have to let go of the fun and I knew life would be different after I had my son.

As I said before I did contemplate not continuing this pregnancy,  it would have been an easy way out but I could not bear the weight in the long run. I would wonder if I did terminate how my life would be different.  Would I feel “right” just continuing on as nothing happened? Could I continue as nothing happened?  Is having this baby what I really am supposed to do?

My identity was found through my social life and not my heart. My heart now was leading the way into motherhood. At the time I would think,  “What kind of mom was I really going to be? Am I going to end up a single mom?” I didn’t know who I was or who I was going to be.

Now I know who I am in Christ. I am a woman of worth, dignity and beauty.

You are too.

Our value comes through God. He loves us abundantly.  You always take care of something that is worth something. God will take care of you. His word tells us according to Proverbs 31:10 NIV

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

Far more precious. You are far more precious. If no one told you that you were special, you are beautiful, you have gifts and talents, let me be the first. You deserve the best and he will provide it! As long as you follow Christ Jesus and he will provide you with all you need. That doesn’t mean it will be easy (I can almost guarantee it will be difficult), but through his Grace it will make it easier to deal with.

You are a mother and this is a ministry in itself.  You give, you love and you sacrifice for your children,  just as Jesus did for those who loved his father. Know who you are and know how much value you have. You add value to this world.

God doesn’t leave you hanging

Came across this bumper sticker today

Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

Bringing life into this world is bringing a future into this world. For me, bringing life into this world gave me hope.

Without a doubt I always say that my baby “A” (I won’t use his real name for privacy purposes) was my saving grace. He gave me meaning,  he gave me purpose,  he gave me a drive to have a future. Really God gave me my saving grace. He chose me out of this whole world to be the mother of this child.  God knew what my future held despite my poor choices and he STILL wanted me to have a better life. 

Today I really feel his blessings because of recent turn arounds and being able to receive his blessings.  I don’t deserve any of it, yet he blesses me (and you!). That’s the beauty in God’s love, it’s unconditional and free flowing.

I was harboring worry and frustration over a situation that I needed to give to God. I saw this bumper sticker and I realized/got reminded of…”God is there in our future”. He has the blessings at hand. He will take care of us, just as every living creature on this earth. We don’t have to worry. It’s done. It’s okay. Take a breath.  He’s got this.

I entered into motherhood because of poor choices but yet there was a blessing out of it. I changed my self destructive behavior and became more conscious of having to be responsible for someone else.

Although I tried for a few years to retain a relationship with the biological father I realized I couldn’t force anything that was not wanted. I was in love with the idea that I could reform this person and we would be “the couple that made it through” to become a happy family.  Part of this was probably stemmed from my childhood and how my parents remained together when I became part of the picture.  If they could do it, why couldn’t we? They weren’t the best role models but I believed we could use that to do better.  Obviously that wasn’t the greatest of ideas.

I had to break free from the cycle. I had to realize that I was in a downward spiral.  He kept pulling me down. The devil was happy, I was tangled in his lies. I believed I didn’t deserve to be treated properly. I didn’t think anyone would want me AND a child. These were some of my darkest, loneliest times. I couldn’t call on my family,  I couldn’t call on my friends.  I was ashamed at my situation. I couldn’t keep telling them the same old story of he was awful to me and we broke up. It wasn’t fair to them to drag them into my drama. He lied, he stole and he cheated. I still didn’t know my worth. He stole all of my money to gamble away and I moved back home to live with my parents, yet wasn’t really ready to sever ties. It’s almost disgusting to think how the devil convinced me of how little my value was. I hadn’t endured “enough”. I thought “You have to fight for love right”?

I frequently visited with him and spent weekends with him in seedy hotels because he had no stable home. We pretended to play house in temporary living arrangements.  There seemed to be no way out.

I soon became stable on my own after working and saving some money. I was able to aquire a new job and an apartment just for me and my baby. Long story short,  I continued the relationship until I finally had enough.  I could not handle anymore of the lies.  I finally cut the ties. He had gifted me a bracelet for Christmas and I took it back to the store and exchanged it for a ring. With that ring I made a promise to myself NEVER to make the same mistake.  I had finally gotten some light on my value and it was time to move along for the sake of my son.

As a single mom we stress about the future because it seems so grim. Statistics are against not only us, but our children. Life can feel hopeless and as if there is nothing we can do to prevent the inevitable. We feel like failures to our children.  We carry the guilt for our fatherless children.  We don’t see a future.

Just remember: Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

God won’t leave you hanging,  I promise because he certainly didn’t leave me hanging.

Don’t Be Ashamed

Credit: Toby Mac Facebook

I saw this today and thought it was perfect and completely validated how I feel about sharing my story.

What is my story?
My story is one that is very complex that I’m sure I will reveal fully at some point,  or at least in pieces. As far as motherhood goes, I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I was a little girl who dreamed of having babies and giving them the best life I could ever give them. I wanted twins, a boy and a girl. They would be named Victor Alexander and Victoria Alexandria.  Easy enough right? I was a little girl with a dream of having these babies and protection them from the woes of the world. The woes however were my real life. I think for some reason I knew when I had babies I would be away from my current life. I craved love. Real deep love.

I was born into wedlock from a mom who had just completed her 19th birthday and a father who had just completed his 29th.  I was an unplanned pregnancy after a few months of dating, but they wanted it to work so they stayed together for my sake. I needed a playmate and she was born 22 months later. I remember as a toddler walking into the house my parents would then buy and raise their four children. This is my earliest memory I can remember. My mother struggled with alcohol and drug abuse and my father was a workaholic who struggled in being faithful to my mother. I knew of their behavior because of the constant fighting, screaming and frequently times we fled the home, only to come back and start it all over again. My young mother knew only how to discipline us the way she had been disciplined and that was physically. In today’s world she would have easily served jail time because of the extent.  I remember being very scared when I heard her stomp through the house, as I knew what was to come. My dad would sometimes protect us from her abuse,  but of course he was either at work or “busy”. His way of showing his love was making sure we’re were financially taken care of.  Something he hadn’t had when he was a child.

My family and extended family loved to hang out. It was always a party and holidays were big. The whole family would come and party. This involved a lot of liquor and of course the drugs were there too. This made it as a perfect distraction for my predator, plus he was a family member so no one would suspect him. I don’t remember how old I was when it began, but I do remember the pretty jean skort with purple butterflies.  It was a size 6X and he had me take it off. He violated my innocence and coerced me into things no child should do. I had no clue what was going on and it wasn’t until my early thirties that I realized I was raped as well.

My parents were very protective of me, it’s a big deal in Hispanic culture.  You never let the girls out of your sight,  fearing that something may happen. So I never really got to go to many schools dance, sleepovers or high school parties,  because they didn’t want anyone taking advantage of me. I however rebelled. I could take care of myself. My parents didn’t completely protect me, so what’s the big deal now. I couldn’t wait to leave the house and move out.

After a few years of forced community college (I couldn’t move out right after high school), I finally moved out of my city and I could seek out the attention I wanted. I wanted to have the fun I saw on TV.  The spring breaks and parties MTV glorified. It was my turn.

Hooking up was my revenge on the male community. You will like me and want me, but I don’t really want you. I will get what I want and not call you later. I wasn’t about catching feelings. I didn’t want to settle down.  I definitely didn’t want to be married.

Then history repeated itself, I met someone and a few months later I saw that second pink line appear and tell me my life had just taken a whole new turn. I was secretly excited.  I wanted a baby. I couldn’t show that emotion on the outside. I had an unplanned pregnancy. I contemplated abortion but knew I couldn’t mentally handle the guilt for the rest of my life. I was going to have a baby. I could handle it. Two of my closest friends from back home were doing it as moms already. I could handle it too. Right?

You are Not Defined by The Choices you Made.

I am excited, scared and nervous all at the same time. I have felt a calling to reach mothers, specifically single mothers, although some aspects shared I think will encourage and empower all mothers. I have felt God really speaking to me to share my story and to speak on certain topics through my journey as a mother.

I was a single mom and now that I am married, I’m just a “mom”. There is not title for a mom who still lives both sides. I still struggle in motherhood with being both and still have some of the same issues that single mothers have. Just because I got married to a wonderful man doesn’t mean all of my single mom troubles disappeared. There was no white horse that whisked me away from “single momhood”. The difference between my single mom days and my married mom days lie within my relationship with God.  Prior to becoming pregnant with my eldest I walked with God on and off his path but I did not have a true relationship with him.

So as I am sharing my struggle which is my story, I pray for all of you this may reach, whether it be out of relating to my story or sheer curiosity, that you know that you are loved, you are worthy and you have purpose. To the moms out there- You are not defined by the past bad choices you have made. But of all your choices, one choice that was a leap of faith, was when you chose to be a mother. A calling that is truly great. You were chosen specifically to be your child’s mother. This is the beginning of a new beginning for generations to come.